Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Help Wanted

Handler needed for hot mess Boston attorney, aged thirty and female.*

Job responsibilities include, but are not limited to, intercepting any attempts at late night phone calls, text messages or emails ESPECIALLY WHERE ALCOHOL IS INVOLVED; fielding questions, when hot mess is hungover or otherwise sleep deprived, from partners at the law firm where said HTM works (knowledge of bankruptcy law a plus); occasional use of force to physically prevent the little mess from going somewhere of questionable reputation with similarly questionable companions; more frequent use of a muzzle when the HGM is about to say something real dumb or that she will later regret; general household chores, including laundry, dishes, floors and especially dusting and bed making; acting as a therapist and guidance counselor; some light-to-moderate babysitting (i.e. making dinner and bedtime enforcement), especially on weeknights; and mental telepathy in order to anticipate each and every stupid move the mess is about to make so as to IMMEDIATELY INTERVENE. Light intervention sessions on an occasional Wednesday might also be necessary (a love of the show "Intervention" also a plus, but really more for you than for her because you'll be forced to watch episode after episode after episode.....).

Required Qualifications: English-speaking, intelligence, perceptiveness, strength (emotional and physical), and diligence.

No hot men between the ages of 22 and 50 need apply or she will probably end up having sex with you.

Compensation: Monday-Friday, until 5:30 p.m. you will be on-call and will be paid $5.00/hour only for time actually worked. During weekends and all evenings, compensation will be on a sliding scale, depending on the hot mess's level of alcohol consumption: 0 drinks being $6.00/hour; 1-3 drinks being $7.00/hour, 4+ drinks being $10.00/hour. While this compensation may not seem overly high, the HGM will make up for it in entertainment value - comedy and/or drama. You will be relieved from duty each night when the HGM is finally asleep.

If interested, please contact Cory Cheater Lynch at 212.HOT.MESS.

*I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!! whos identities I am protecting by not giving them credit but please know that I had no creative influence on this post.


Dana Wynne and Raul Cordova said...

Tessa is the true voice of our lives.

Anonymous said...

What did she do now...