Monday, February 2, 2009

IT'S JUST THE SUN, LAMB, ANYONE CAN LAY IN IT

The following rants are from my new favorite way to waste an entire afternoon in bed, Fuck You Penguin. I'm sure I am the last person to know about this hysterical genius but in the off chance I am not, enjoy....

Bunny, what the hell do you think you are doing? Those people out there are just trying have a nice walk in the woods, and here you are waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on them and tear their insides out, hop by excruciating hop. STOP TRYING TO CAUSE A SPONTANEOUSLY CUTE INCIDENT. Did you think I wouldn't see you? Did you think you could just go around, hiding in the dark corners of the world, working to undermine everything that holds civilized society together? You disgust me, Bunny.

LESSON: Never walk through a garden or a jungle without being aware of the distinct possibility that there could be some ridiculously cute asshole bunny crouched in the shadows, ready to pounce and violate your sacred sense of decency.


What's that, Elephant? You have a large trunk? I had no idea, because it's not like you are putting it DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING FACE. You know, I'm pretty tall, too. I can reach the top shelf in my kitchen. I also spray water out of my nose to bathe myself practically every day. So please, stop pretending that just because you can do math and recognize your buddies you should get a fucking Presidential Medal of Honor. Hey, there's Jim, with four other friends whom I recognize, which makes five people total. NOT THAT HARD ELEPHANT, STEP YOUR GAME UP.


This egotistical little jerk was basically like "Check me out, eh? EH?" and then when people didn't respond he was all "Okay, maybe you don't understand, I AM ONLY ONE AND A HALF INCHES TALL" and stood next to a fucking ruler to illustrate his point.

Well, first of all, Quail, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO IS ALLOWED TO USE CAPS LOCK ON THIS BLOG. And second, just because you are an impossibly small version of a bird doesn't make it okay to show it off. I know you grow up to be a bit of a dandy, so you have to go for it while you still got it, but you are going full court press at the moment. I need you to slow down or face the consequences, you miniature bastard.

ha. hahaha. hahahahahaha. Leslie, thank you for making my Sunday with this.

7 comments:

hello gorgeous said...

That's so hilarious.

My w/v is cosiness. Aww.

hello gorgeous said...

P.S. An item from your store is featured on Paul Pincus from yesterday I think.

Annie Empiric said...

HG - Thanks for the heads up on PP's post!

Jill said...

OH!! I think I laughed my Crystal Lite out of my nose just a little!

Elements of Style said...

I just wasted a good solid hour reading this blog....LOL. I love it!

Dana Wynne and Raul Cordova said...

I was, indeed, one of those peeps who didn't know about this too, and am now going to watch Animal Planet while yelling "asshole!" at the screen.

Annie Empiric said...

Why is it so fun to call animals assholes!? LOL