Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I am a lover of love. All love. Sweet love. Crazy love. Silly love. Immature love. Human love. Ask 15 year old Annie what she wanted to be when she grew up? In love. Possibly my obsession with love came from growing up in a home void of affection. Not that there wasn't love. We loved. But it was lazy love. Cold love. Love that you didn't go out of your way for.
My parents divorced when I was a wee little tot and my Mum went on to have a long term relationship with a live-in suitor who was less than eager to take on the role of father to my siblings and I. My home was sort of divided. It wasn't cozy and open. More closed doors and listen to be called for dinner.
I adopted my fascination with love at a young age and fell in whenever someone left the man hole cover off. In October 2000 a fairly new magazine, Real Simple, sent me my subscribed issue. I had recently moved back from Santa Cruz, back in with my Mother, and I wasn't feeling the love. Escaping in magazines, a favorite hobby even then, I retreated to my not room and fell in the man hole.
The first time I read Field of Dreams I was 22, running wild in the club world, about to meet and fall in love with a bonafide asshole. I saw these people, their moss covered house, their fairytale "ending". It was so beautiful to me. Love had been enough. It had conquered all and lifted this couple up to where they belonged! Where eagles cry on a mountain high. Far from the world below, up where the clear winds blow.... Its no wonder that around this time I saw Moulin Rouge and "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" became my new mantra. I was so optimistic.
Then came the asshole. Then went the asshole. David Grey's White Ladder album became my new mantra which was fitting because I felt like I was at the bottom of a ladder. The bottom of a ladder at the bottom of the sea.
Reread article. Let love rule.
This time I read it and didn't just see them, I heard them. It wasn't love that saved them it was their desire to continue. To work. To try. They demystified the fairy tale and inspired me again. I climbed the ladder.
I spent the next 5 years living in Boston, working 10-12 hour days, playing the field, less transfixed by true love. I had a group of best friends that were better than any boy. More fun than a first date and I was happy. I still loved love but I also loved me and I knew that some day I would meet a great guy, fall in love, work at love, live ever after.... I relished these days with my friends making some of the best memories of my life. But I still kept this article and revisited it from time to time.
8 years later it has again taken on a whole new meaning. Now I am the one living in LA. In a relationship that requires hard work. Looking down over what I've created and questioning all the decisions I've ever made. An adult more understanding of their struggles and what it means to choose someone and vow to share your journey, your struggles, your passions, your independence, your life. I googled Ida and Bruce and was so joyed to find they were still together and Lavender Hill is now Oregon's largest organic lavender estate
So much has changed in my world in the last decade since I read this unassuming tale of two people. One thing that hasn't is my love of love. Sometimes I long for the days of crazy love. End of the world, can't live without you, us against the world love. I have an insane aunt who has made a career out of falling in love and although I roll my eyes at each new BF I also sort of feel for her. Sort of. Because at some point you have to fall in love with mature love. This is me love. Take it or leave it (but take it!!) love.